Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
