david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
