Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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