a search helicopter?!
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
