Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
