So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
