You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
