I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
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