Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
