I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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