Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Yo dont text me then not text me
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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