he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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