my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
