My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You dont lie about slip and slides
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
