Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
