So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
