on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
