If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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