You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
