Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
