he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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