he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
