end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
