When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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