I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
