I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
