I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
