I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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