I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
