do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
