he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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