I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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