i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
