Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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