new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
