If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
What drink are we having for lunch?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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