Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I booty called her while she was in labor.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Randomize
