You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
