I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
