Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
