It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
