State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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