we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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