i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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