cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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