and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
