I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
