Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
