3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
