id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
